I was an only child. I wanted to have a brother or sister, but it didn't happen. I lost my mother in the year 1977, and then my grandmother didn't live long after that. I didn't give up, I have a lot to be thankful for.

I got divorced and was alone again for about five or six years. She said she got tired of talking at me because I am hard of hearing. I think it wasn't me all the time. One day in her mind she wanted to get away. I decided to keep to myself, but it is so hard when you are not with anyone. At the same time heartbroken and the pieces too hard to put back together. But each time I didn't give up, I have a lot to be thankful for.

I have been sick off and on, and I want to be with somebody that cares for me. Often I really don't know what to do. But I know that I am doing good because I can still praise God. He didn't let me give up, and I am thankful for the blessings He has given me.

When we got back home that afternoon our mother had left a note on the refrigerator that read, "Mary, go to the store and get dinner. Here is some money to get something for everyone. I have something to tell you all. We are going to move back to the country in one week." We were all so excited that we were going to move someplace we did not know anything about. We stayed there.

I remember my grandfather; he was sitting in a chair looking out the window. One day everyone came to the house. They were talking really low. Something had happened to grandfather. He had died. We went around back and cried. We will miss him very much. It must have been his time.

Christmas came. We all got something. Mom said that we would be moving to the country in two weeks. It was different on the farm. We had real live animals, like cows, pigs and cats. We also had some chickens. We moved to the farm. It was wintertime when we all got there. It got dark quick. We all got some dinner and went to bed. The next morning came; we got up one by one and went to ue the bathroom. We washed our hands and faces. We looked out the window. It was snowing. We wanted to know where the store was. Mom said, "You are too small to walk there. Be Careful." We went walking to the store. When we left, mom said that she could not see us. The snow was really deep. We made it to and from the store.

That was the weekend. The next day will be Monday. We will go to school. I will be looking forward to it. When I went to school, my teacher's name was Mrs. Price. She was real nice. The classroom color was green walls and blue chairs with tan tops. I wanted to sit next to the door. That was ok, I did that. The first year went by. I did not learn too much. I think I passed to the second grade not knowing my reading, math English, history or science too well.

The next year I went to the third grade. It was little hard because I did not learn much in the first or second grade, so that made me feel left out. I started looking at different eople's papers to get my answers. That worked.

School went by. I went onto the fourth grade. I did not like to go to that class because she was mean. Her name was Mrs. Victor. I did not stay in that room. Mrs. Victor told me that I had come to the wrong room. She said, "Go back down the hallway two doors. That will be Mrs. Price's room." Mrs. Price said, "Come on in, you must be John Brown." Yes," I said. Mrs. Price said, "Sit here. This is a good plce for you." I looked around to see any one person that I knew. There were two boys that were from last year's class and one or two girls that I knew. We sat apart from each other so we didn't do the work wrong any more. As the year went on, I got to know some more people.

y drug of choice was cocaine. Cocaine has caused my life to be a living hell. I started using it at the age of twenty-four. I wished I never did. It caused problems between my children and me. I have five children -- four boys and one girl, whom I love very much. My mom has my children; thank God for that.

The drug I chose to use made me do things a person in his or her right mind wouldn't do. I sold my body for a little of nothing. I was a disgrace. I shamed myself; cocaine is a very powerful thing. I thought I had it under control, but I didn't. I thought I was missing something out there, but I see that I wasn't. What I thought I was missing I still didn't find, because look at me now -- I'm in prison, a place where I never thought I'd be.

My mother used to use cocaine and heroin. Yes, now by the grace of God, she is free from her disease. She had God on her side and still does. She's been clean six years. Yes, I am blessed. My children's names are Dayvon, Victor, Jihaad, Jerome, and Juliza. I love my children very much. I really do. I stole and even sold their things, which I'm sorry for doing, but God has given me another chance now, and I'm going for it. My mom's name is Rita. I have three more sisters and two brothers. This was not on my agenda, I'm tired, my children are tired and my mom is getting old, and so am I. Life is short to be playing around, especially with drugs. Drugs kill; I need to get my priorities straight. I need to always remember principle before personalities, as I have learned in the T.C. program -- that I have to think before I react. My not thinking has caused me a great deal of headaches.

Today for me, it's all about the right living skills and thinking straight. If I can't think straight for myself, how am I going to think for my children until they are able to think for themselves? God played a big part in my life; I am thankful for Him. In order to move on, I can't forget my past. My past is going to build me up, because I did not want to go back down that street. Some people take prison as a punishment, but take it as a blessing indisguise. I don't like being away from my children, but I know I am sick, and they know I am too. So they are sticking by my side and so is my mother. "Thank you, mom, for helping me to help myself." I say this each night and each time I wake up in the morning; God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference -- just for today. I have to remember to take it one day at a time. Tomorrow is not promised to me or anyone else. No one is perfect; I know I'm not. If I think straight, I'll feel great. I want something in life and it's time for me to get it. It's not coming to me; I know that for sure, so I have to get it. Life is what you make it. I can honestly say that I am tired. It's time for me to make a change. Change doesn't cost a thing. Pain does.

First, I would like to introduce my children and myself. My name is Beverly Taylor and I am currently an inmate at Fluvanna Correctional Center for Women. Fifteen years ago I gave birth to my only daughter, Reshaw. One year later I brought my baby boy, Marquis, into this world. These are the three reasons that give me hope to have a better future. My dreams and desires are to unite with my children, stay clean from drugs, be a better mother, and grow together as a family.

Being away from my children has been extremely hard for me. Throughout this incarceration I have truly discovered what a blessing my kids are to me. With this discovery, I have made a decision never to return to drugs. That, in itself, will give me the self-encouragement I need to better myself as a woman and also as a mother.

To achieve these desires and goals, I am pursuing many programs and classes. As far as my academic education is concerned, I am attending the Literacy Incentive Program and a reading improvement study group. To better myself as a mother, I am enrolling in a parenting class. For my biggest problem of drug addiction, I have signed upto participate in the Therapeutic Community program. I also plan to attend Narcotics Anonymous and any other programs offered to arrest my addiction. With the assistance of these classes and programs, I am confident I can, and will, achieve my goals.

In conclusion, I would like to express my desire to help my children never to make the mistakes I made and to lead, guide, and direct them towards the importance of family values. I want to grow with them and to prepare for their futures. However, to accomplish these goals, I know the change starts with me.

There are also some disadvantages. A disadvantage for a teenager is limited freedom. A teenager cannot vote, making it harder to voice your opinion on what you think is right or wrong. They also ahve to answer to an adult or guardian before they can go anywhere with their friends. They can't go out to the movies, ride around, or hang out without their parents' permission.

One of both is peer pressure. Teens have friends who try to pressure them into doing good things and bad things. Some examples are: alcohol and drugs. You have friends who will try to pressure you into doing drugs and alcohol. You have friends who will try to pressure you out of doing them. You can go to school and have friends who will try to pressure you into skipping school. You even have peer pressure at home between siblings. They might try to talk you into doing something that will get you in trouble or is bad for your health, but on the other hand they might pressure you into staying out of trouble.

My opinion is even though there are some good advantages and bad disadvantages, they come together to help you grow up and become an adult.

For example, in the case of my friend Rosa (1) she has her husband and four children but her husband was an alcoholic. She had a lot of problems with him. Sometimes her husband drank alcohol in a bar and he came back home late and angry. It happened often, when he was drunk, he got angry and they argued and he started to hit her. Usually when this happened the children woke up afraid and worried. One of them was intelligent and called the police to solve the problem.

Rosa was tired of the problems with her husband and was worried for her children. Her children despised their father and they were scared of him even when he came home sober.

Once the police called her and said something about Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). There are many people who help alcoholics to solve their problem with alcohol. She thought about that and eagerly embraced the idea. She went to the place where AA was located and boarded her husband for one year. It was difficult for him and her too.

When the time was over he felt good. Now he doesn't drink alcohol and all in the family are very happy. They are trying to forget what happened before. My friend Rosa recommends to all people who need help to go and find Alcoholics Anonymous. It helps everybody with this problem.

Now when I call for any problem, the landlord comes immediately.

One month later, I began to learn a basic course about computers at PVCC and bought a computer. I had a lot of difficulties and problems in the class because my English was so poor that I could not understand what teacher taught. I could not even express how to ask a question. When I was home my wife asked me, "What did you learn from the class?" I just said, "Nothing." Day by day, I made a lot of effort, but my progress was so slow. I even wanted to quit the class. My wife encouraged me. "Keep trying. Never give up." So I continued to attend the class. I started to record at the class. Then after class I spent a lot of time listening to the tapes and did exercises at home. Finally I got "B" by the end of the term. It meant I learned some basic knowledge about computers. But I still did not know how to make a home page.

Next semester I took a course about first level's home page at PVCC. So I started to do my own home page. First I got home page's address on the internet with the help of my friend. Next I did my home page by following the steps suggested by my teacher. Of course there were a lot of difficulties. How to use a scanner was the biggest problem while I was learning and new problems often puzzled me every day. But I started to enjoy it after I had solved the problems one by one. In that term I made my most effort for home pages. But even then I still could not understand them all. Then I looked through the internet for other people's home pages. I found some good models and ideas to help me make my home page. Sometimes I also asked people about how to make home pages by e-mail. Finally I made my home pages in the way that I wanted and published my home page on the internet. So I finished my home page now. People who know my home page's address can read it and I was told by several people that it was good.

First day I went to pick her up, I called her name; she rejected me. She ran to the corner and said, "You are not my mommy, I don't want to go home with you."

At that time, we were not familiar with each other.

Teachers and I tried to persuade her to go home with me, but she didn't listen to us. She didn't look happy.

What shall I do? I've never met this kind of thing before, especially she is a foreigner and she is not my relative. But I knew the fact was that I had to take her with me. I told myself I could handle it.

I walked to her with a smile and said, "Hi, Ellie. Are you sure you really don't want to go home?" I looked at her. Nothing was interesting in her face. Then, I continued to say, "OK, you want to stay here. Several minutes later, every child will go home, you will stay at school by yourself. Do you like that?" She didn't answer me, but I could see she had a mental struggle.

Thereupon, I struck while the iron was hot, and said, "You don't want to go home with me, is it right? I don't want to stay here. I'd like to go. Bye-bye, Ellie!" then, I pretended to go. Maybe she straightened out her thinking, or she didn't want to stay alone. She walked slowly toward me. I caught this opportunity, and hurried to say, "Let's go, there is a lot of candy in my car."

We chased to go outside.

Now, we got a good relationship, and she still loves to play with me.

I started using drugs again, as I wa saying, neglecting all responsibilities that I had, even neglecting my self-worth. I chose to sell drugs and smoke drugs, as if it were a hobby. I used men to get what I wanted and at the same time deal with the chaotic lifestyle of an abusive lover who just took me through something that's really best described as a nightmare. The situation had gotten to the point where I was ready to kill him, as well as my then-unborn child, who I really didn't feel worthy of being a responsible mother to. After she was born I continued to use, thinking by now that I had been doing this tomedicate my feelings for so long that iseemed second nature to me, not knowing there was a better way.

Well, I went on to finally leaving that loser that I thought was God and decided to move on with my life and child, and start all over anew, or so I thought. I must say that at first, things were okay with my child, my drugs, and myself. I lived kind of comfortably for a while, exploring new things, no man, and most of all, my freedom. I had my so-called friends who kept me financially secure and kept me from going out selling my body for drugs. Then, on my 26th birthday, I met Anthony. Now this one was, I thought, the best thing that came into my life. I had a man who financially took good care of my child, and me and who accepted me after I told him that I was pregnant by another man.

He stuck by me through the good and the bad and also was there with me when I took a fall. When I got my current charge for possession of heroin, he was there until I got locked up. When I was in the jail (Hampton Roads Regional), I would call and talk to him, after which he asked for my hand in marriage, which I declined, due to me facing two years in prison.

Well, that's when everything and everybody started turning their backs on me and I started to wake up and see, and also face life on life's terms. Now I am in the Fluvanna Correctional Center Therapeutic Community Program in recovery, trying to get my life of confusion back together. Working hard, I have earned my certification license to drive tractors. Also, I am in a GED class with a tutor who is positive enough to deal with different people on different terms and not judge others. Now that I am scheduled to be released in about five months, give or take a day or two, I plan to carry all the tools that I have gained with me learning that I have opened my mind up to reaching out to another sister or brother who has or hasn't been down the same road that I have. I plan to plant a positive seed in my children, and also in my mom, who is still in her active addiction. I hope that this will create something positive in the New Year 2000.

First of all you have the people that you are shopping for; what to give them, will they like it, did I spend too much, or too little, and so on and so on. When considering buying gifts, the question arrives, "Who do I buy gifts for?" How many people do I give gifts to?

There are so many problems involved in buying gifts. There are so many questions which I need to address. Do I buy for the whole family, or just some family members? Can I afford to buy for the whole family? If I don't buy for the whole family, will the ones that I didn't buy for be offended?

Then there is the problem of going out to the stores to buy the gifts. There are too many people in the stores. Trying to walk through the store you find yourself bumping into other people while you search for the right gift. It is just too big a hassle to go through all that madness.

The last and final thing are the gifts you have purchased. There are so many questions to ask yourself. For instance, "Is this gift the right size, the right color, and is it something the person needs or wants?" How do you know?

It is like I said in the beginning, I love Christmas. I love the decorations Christmas brings, but I just do not like Christmas shopping. Some people get a lot of joy out of Christmas shopping, I don't. Some people like spending money they don't have, I don't. But the question stands, "What do you do?"

As I sit here writing about why I don't like Christmas shopping, something else comes to mind. That is what some people allow shopping to do to them. Some people will go out and charge a lot of stuff on their credit cards, then they spend the rest of the year paying it off. Is this right?

There are people who will go to a finance company to borrow money just to go Christmas shopping in order to have a good Christmas. Is this what Christmas is all about? No, it is not. Christmas is about celebrating the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. It is not about getting into bondage to the lenders.

Christmas shopping is not so bad if it is done in the right perspective. It could be a wonderful thing if one would do it right. I have loved ones that I love giving gifts to. But, I know how far to go. I don't go into debt buying for people that I am trying to impress. Do you?

I guess when it comes right down to it, I just don't like shopping at Christmas time. Well you know even as I think about it, I don't like shopping any time, not just Christmas. The whole idea of going to the mall and having to deal with all those people is too much. I would rather just sit at home and enjoy my family.

Across from the school there is a park, so it's easy to skip. We would all go over there and order pizza. We would have a ball! But I don't care how careful you are, you will get caught sooner or later. After the first time, I wanted to do it more, and I did. It got to the point that I was doing it every day.

Finally, I had to go in front of the judge because of all the days that I had missed. They let it slide. I went back to school everyday for about a week and started doing it again. I found out that I was pregnant. I was one month and a week along. They took me back to court and almost sent me away to get help. The only reason that they didn't was because I was pregnant. I remember thejudge looking at me and telling me, "How are you going to raise a child if you can't even get up in the morning to go to school?"

They put me in a program called I Spy in the 9th grade. I left at 12:00 P.M. everyday. I was the best, is what they said. But what they really didn't know was that I was just writing things down because I found out that the teachers did not check your work. They just looked to see if it had been done, then you could leave.

They passed me into the 10th grade, how I don't know. I was in the later months of my pregnancy at that time. I really tried that year; I went every day and really put effort into my work. In the middle of January I had to take my six weeks leave to have my beautiful baby girl. I never returned to school after that.

As I write this, I sit in my G.E.D. class and wish badly that I had stayed in school. I wish I had gone to the prom, done the fun things and got my education. I believe it is easier to stay in school to get your diploma with your friends that you grew up with, than to set in a quiet class with people you don't know. You will have to work so hard on something that is going to take time and lot of hard work to get.

I thought the same thing as a lot of other young people think today. But believe me, when you quit school now you will highly regret it later. .

I got sent away from my home. I didn't think there was any hope for me. I was at a point in my life I thought I couldn't be helped; but, I had this one friend who would just sit with me and talk about my problems. He would help me a lot. We got to be closer friends. He would ask me out to get me out of the situation I was in, but I kept saying no. I finally said yes after almost a year.

We started dating after about 6 months. I was free of all the bad stuff in my life. This man that I said no to for a year changed my life like never before. Now my life is very good and stable.

I became so wrapped up in the daily routine of trying to be perfect that I lost me. I didn't know myself anymore. The woman that I saw in the mirror was emotionally drained. My whole physical appearance changed. I became totally exhausted, no energy to keep going, but in my mind I had to accomplish the goal of not being a failure as I was told so often during my childhood that I would be. Therefore, I pushed myself harder to achieve and to succeed in everything.

In trying so hard to be the person I thought I should be, I totally exhausted my body physically, emotionally and spiritually. But one day life threw me a curve ball, and without a moment's notice, I was hospitalized with a major illness. While fighting for my life I realized that I was responsible for my bad health. I did not listen or take heed to the warning signs.

Although the damage has been done, I have been given another opportunity to live. I learned a valuable lesson in the midst of this. I do not have to prove myself to mankind nor do I have to be the superhero with all the answers. But I do have to feel good about me within my spirit. I have the faith to succeed and the courage to be me.

So, I remembered what my mother and her friend had said when I was about 8 or 9 years old. They said you ask God for forgiveness for doing something wrong. So I went upstairs, fell on my knees and asked for forgiveness. And you know after that I felt a lot better. As I got older I always felt that God and I had a special relationship with each other. It seemed like whenever I ran into trouble, I could just tell Him. With a little time, God fixed it and I felt better, but as I got older, I pulled away a little from Him.

So once again I went to my Helper, my God, and my Savior to whom I had called upon before. He heard my cries for help. He helped me beat this disease. It was rough. My friends teased me; I mean they tried a little bit of everything. The more they teased, the more I called upon my Helper. Again He gave me strength to beat it. Don't get me wrong, my daughter and my husband were very important. See God knew that I loved my daughter enough to give up just about anything for her and to keep my family together. Charlie was very compassionate and understanding through it all.

So I will tell anyone who reads this, try my Helper. He will help you through any and everything because through Him all things are possible. It was just about 8 years ago I gave myself to my Helper. Let me tell you that I am a better person because of Him. Now I am married to the same wonderful man and we have two smart and beautiful young girls. I cannot ask for more. I cannot ask for more than what my Helper has given me. I love my helper with all my heart and thank my Helper for everything. He does help.

Year after year I continued on this road of self-destruction. Finally I reached the crossroads, and enough was enough. I wanted to change, but where could I go? Who could help me? At this point in my life drugs had become a haunting reality. I needed a powerful entity in my life, someone or something that could pull me out of the depths of doom. Many, many tears cloaked my face, from sorrow and emptiness. Looking, but unable to see a tomorrow, I saw my grandmother sitting in a rocking chair on our front porch and I heard her voice say to me, "God will make a way -- pray and believe. Everything will work out."

By doing just that I learned to love myself. I became respectful, and my attitude changed toward people. I saw where I didn't have to be self-destructive to get attention and to belong. Forgiveness was a word unknown to me, but when God entered my life forgiveness found a home within my heart. The hatred that had rooted so deeply within me began to melt away. There were times that when people would see me coming, they would leave, because no one wanted to be around me. Things changed and people liked me and liked being around me. The main support in my life was the God I chose to serve. I give all the honor and all of the praise that he deserves. When the change came, it felt strange. I was not familiar with this new me. The things that used to upset me did not even faze me anymore. I felt good, and I mean damn good.

All through the day, I would pray. The more I prayed the better life became. I could see the changes in life occurring right before my eyes, as though I was sitting back watching a motion picture. Today I feel I can handle anything that life sends my way. I am prepared to live life on life's terms. My mind is at peace now and so is my life. My experience enables me to share with the younger generation. Maybe I will be able to deter our future generation from traveling the same roads as I have. My new life is wonderful, but nothing could be more wonderful than to lead our children down a better road of life.

When I was coming up as a child, never having a father figure, I felt a lot of hurt because I knew my father, and I also knew that he loved my sister and me dearly. Because my mother left my father when I was five years old, we never developed a close relationship with him, and I became angry because my mother had to raise my sister and me alone. Even though she did a wonderful job, I felt that my father should have been there to help raise us.

I started getting into trouble in junior high school, being expelled for disruptive behavior. I was also arrested as a juvenile, for assault on one of my friends. The charges were dismissed when I went to court. I was unaware at this point in my life that the worst was yet to come.

When I got in high school my ninth-grade year, I started hanging out with some of my male and female friends. That's when I was introduced to marijuana, and I liked the feeling it gave me because I would laugh and joke a lot with my friends, and I always enjoyed eating munchies.

At first I only smoked it every other day, then it became a habit. That's when I started smoking everyday, and cutting classes just to get high. When I got to the eleventh grade near the end of the year I was put out of high school because I had it out with the principal. He accused me of cursing out loud in the cafeteria and I tried to explain to him that it wasn't me, that it was my friend Joette. He insisted on accusing me so I cursed him out and then he put me out of school until my hearing, but I never returned. because I was put out for no apparent reason.

At the age of eighteen I became pregnant. I didn't know I was pregnant because I never had the symptoms or became sick. I was drinking a beer called Crazy Horse and later that night I started getting very bad pains in my stomach and side. I then took some Tylenol and laid down for a hour, but the pain was still there.

Later on that night I went to use the restroom and realized I had started hemorrhaging very badly. That's when my cousin got on the phone and called my mother, who then rushed me to the hospital. When I arrived the doctors took me to the back to examine me, and that's when they discovered I had had a miscarriage. I was only two weeks pregnant.

After losing my child, my mother went through a stage of depression because this would have been her first grandchild. She encouraged me not to be afraid and upset because maybe the Lord figured I wasn't ready to raise a child, because I was still too young and wanted to have fun.

When I go home next year my fiancee wants us to work on two kids, but I want to be financially stable first.

I feel that all of life's problems have a solution, and with patience and trust in God, I know I will learn and grow to be the best that I can be.

When I was thirteen my life started changing, in dramatic experiences which took control of me. I wanted to hang with older crowds who showed me this thug-life that revolved around lots of drugs and lots of money. I took to it quickly, because I had the right people teaching me this new exciting life.

Here I am now doing time in the women's penitentiary for criminal behavior that I have been doing most of my life. When I deeply think about it I know that I have formed a pattern that was rooted in my father. He also acted on criminal-behavior instincts, which led him to jail and prison. He and I are very much alike, and I know the cycle needs to be broken so that I won't pass it on to another generation. I have always avoided my issues, my problems.

I have already been "down" a little over a year, and now I have two years left. I'm starting to realize that I was hurting myself as well as my family. I was too busy living a street life and never caring for others, but now, sitting here evaluating myself, I know my behavior is rooted, in childhood, adolescence, and now adulthood. I know I have to change my life and I want to. I have a very supportive mother and older sister who care for me a lot and who are waiting for my return. I am also an aunt. My nieces and newphew look to me for guidance all the time. I want and need to make a lot of changes in order to be a better role model to them.

I am currently in a therapeutic program and am now working on my G.E.D. I feel really good about myself and I feel good about change. I'm learning to accept my past behavior and willing to change for my family and myself. I see that I have a second chance and this is what I'm working on. Now I can get the education that I needed and wanted for so long. My problems just don't go away but now I'm receiving the help to work on the recovery of my whole life. I feel like I am finally on the right track by working towards my goals and striving to achieve them. This is about me, now, and this is the time that I need to educate myself to make my life healthy and normal. I do plan on conquering every goal I've set for myself, and to use this time wisely and to my advantage. This is no longer a matter of survival on the streets, this is a matter of survival for my life, and I intend on putting full effort into doing whatever it takes for this life problem to be solved once and for all.!

As a child, my family always taught me what was right. Unfortunately, I did things my way. I felt as if no one could give me a sense of direction for the things I wanted to do in life. I planned my future before I really needed to, wanting to accomplish my goals because of what my family thought. My goals were to graduate from high school, later becoming a cosmetologist, a mother, and a wife. Things got a little inconvenient for me. I didn't get to achieve what I wanted. Trying to figure out a faster and better way to live my life without a high school diploma was a challenge. I became a mother at the age of twelve and was expelled from school on several occasions. Finally I was expelled from school for good. Being a single parent, I endured the trials of life and gave birth to a beautiful boy, DeVonte, who is now seven years old and the greatest gift God could have placed in my life.

As time went on things remained the same, and I managed to get married at the age of eighteen. I gave birth to my second son, Jzharey, who is now two years old. Fixing hair without a license was something I continued to do, always remembering the notches in my life that hadn't been achieved, such as my diplomas. I accomplished the majority of my goals, such as being a wife, a mother, and doing hair. My conscience also reminded me of the certificates I never received. Because these were goals I longed for as a child, this gap has caused me a great deal of pain, thinking I had accomplished them in my own way.

My family continued to support me and encourage my talents. Knowing and planning the positive routes of achieving my goals, I ended up taking the opposite route of what I planned. Choices of both positive and negative actions have given me the consequences that I now have to accept. Choosing not to take the freely-given advice from loved ones for my own good has now made me learn four new stages of life: denial, anger, grief, and aceptance. The only problem is: one stage doesn't end before the other one kicks in. They get all mixed up with each other.

Denial for me was self-denial, blaming myself for a lot I indulged in, never taking the time to examine myself to find out what exactly my own difficulties were and how to improve them. Anger, something I always kept hidden that made every matter worse upon release, came from a lot of things that didn't go the way I planned or approved of. Grief came from losing a loved one whom I cherished. I feel I lost him behind my own anger and denial. Last, acceptance for taking my responsibilities for my own involvement in anything I participated in came to me. One lesson well learned was not to lose my composure over a mistake.

I took my family through a lot, as a child, but they continue to remain by my side. The point I want to make is, if you have a supportive family, be thankful for the little times they participated in your life. Not everyone has a family of their own to turn to when needed. Although, admitting your faults can help you to learn a quicker way of taking the right steps in life.

For many years my distorted thinking led me to believe I was different from others. By the age of twelve, I chose the wrong way of living. During this time of my life, I began to drink and smoke weed. It wasn't long before this became an everyday thing. By the age of fourteen, my addiction became powerful. I stole my first car, and on my way to stealing my second one, I had stopped going to school. I went to juvenile detention for the second time and was placed in a thirty-day treatment program.

After leaving the thirty-day treatment, I continued to use, and party day after day. I managed to stay out of trouble, and the courts allowed me to quit school. From the age of thirteen, I was dating an older man. I found out that I was soon to be a mother at the age of sixteen. I was very excited with the news. During my fourth month of pregnancy, the father asked me to marry him. It was easy to say yes because I was in love with him.

Life became easy for me. My husband had a good job and his parents were very helpful to us. It felt so good to be in my own house. I could stay up late, have as many friends as I chose to have in my house, fix the furniture the way I wanted it to be, and drink and smoke weed in whatever room I chose.

Three years later, I was still in my addiction, drinking and smoking weed. During this time a guy moved in the apartment upstairs from me. He would always ask to use my phone to answer his pager, but after he was done with his phone call, he would give me a white rock. At the time, I didn't know what to do with it other than to crush it up and put it in my weed.

This went on for a few months. Then out of the blue, one of our friends came from upstairs and asked if he could get high in our kitchen, and I told him sure. As I was sitting there I watched him pull out this long glass thing and put that white rock on it, put fire to it, and smoke it. I asked, "What is that doing to you?" As I look at my life today, I wish I would have never asked that question, because it was that day that turned my life into the biggest problem in my world. I became a crack addict.

My addiction to crack, and every other drug you can dream of, went on from the age of nineteen to the age of twenty-three. Life became a struggle. I didn't realize how much my addiction had control over me until I got pregnant with my second child and couldn't stop smoking.

I ended up in jail, and from there, went to prison. For me, prison is not a punishment. It is a blessing and a life-saver. Today I enjoy living drug-free and I have taken the steps to better myself through my recovery program, and the education programs that they have to offer me here in prison. I have acquired tools to carry with me, to lead a successful life.

Freedom created more problems than it really was worth. One day I was walking around aimlessly and ended up with the wrong crowd. I thought I was grown, and being cool, while hanging out with an older crowd. I started to experience different types of drugs, until I finally found my choice, which was heroin. I loved it a great deal and at times maybe more than life itself. I lived for the feeling -- I longed for it, I yearned for it.

My life started going downhill. I ended up pregnant, with a habit. My mother, my brother and I were so close. They knew something was wrong, but they just could not put their finger on it. By the age of fifteen I was so tired that I cried out for help. I was just sick and tired of my bones aching from the effects of the drug. In feeling like I was feeling, I finally hit the lowest point of my life.

During this phase of my life there was no one so young, with such a habit. I started at age thirteen. The relationship I had with my brother and my mother went downhill. I was not receptive to their concerns or attention.

The nagging and ridicule stirred something deep within me. They kept telling me my baby would be an addict, and that I would end up in jail for child endangerment. I knew I wanted a healthy baby. They finally got to me, and I kicked the habit cold turkey.

During this time my family relationships were in the process of mending as well as healing. I must admit it was a struggle, but it made our bond tighter. AFter that experience there was nothing I could not tell them. The relationships took some turns for the worse, and at times I wanted to give up, but I could not. The love I had for them was stronger than the love I had for the drug. I am thirty years old now. I have been down seven years. I have been clean since I was fifteen years old, and it feels good.

At the present time the bond is tight with my child, my mother, and my brother. It is not where I want it to be, but it is not on a rocky road. My incarceration plays a major role in our relationship. During our conversations over the past seven years my mother has asked me where she went wrong, billions of times. I told my mother she did all she could do. She was a good mother. I chose to go astray on my own. I have met some people whose mothers do not give them any emotional support or financial support. I love my mother and brother for sticking with me through life on life's terms.

I'm 36 years old, sitting in prison with a total of seventeen years on a 1993 burglary charge. I never realized how much turmoil and hurt that I have caused my family and myself. My son suffered the loss of my presence as a mother. The mental abuse that he has suffered with the loss may never be repaired.

I'm now dealing with my addiction to stealing. Throughout my addiction I've always felt like someone owed me something. Growing up in poverty, and not being able to get the things that I needed, made my life difficult to deal with. I turned to the life of crime at the age of nineteen. After I quite school, I planned my days to work out the next jewelry job. Recruiting my sidekicks was very easy. Easy money and a fast life were very tempting. My criminal thinking became a daily part of my life.

I had anger within me that came from being the only child and not having my mother figure in my life until I was fourteen years old. My mother deserted me at the age of three. She left me in the care of my grandmother. In 968 the phone rang -- it was my mother. After two years I couldn't believe that she actually called. She wanted to be a part of my life again.

By then, I was already too far gone. My thinking had become concrete. Nothing or no one was going to interfere in the way I thought.

Today I'm learning to deal with the separation with my son. Sometimes, my mind races with the thought that maybe I'm repeating the same scenario with my son as my mother did with me. I'm just thankful to be able to see my son, Brandon, on a regular basis.

I didn't talk while I was in there. I was too scared of the people and the surroundings. I was let out within seven days and placed on medication. About a month later the school placed me in the hospital again because I had overdosed on my medication. They took me to the hospital first to pump my stomach. I finally started talking a little bit. I wouldn't talk to my therapist because he was a male. But then he suggested that a female nurse could sit in, because I was afraid of being alone with men. Then I started talki9ng. When he asked me what my childhood was like, I told him what had gone on when I was growing up.

My drugs and alcohol brought me to prison, where my life was turned around. I finally found out that people do care about me. Even though I didn't talk to anyone at first, they tried to communicate with me. They wanted to be my friends, something that I never had. When I first came to prison, the roommate that I had took me undr her wing. I only had her as a roommate for about a day and a half. She meant a lot tome. She took care of me, instead of me having to take care of someone else. She gave me cigarettes and anything else that I needed. We haven't been roommates for about a year now.

Because I tried to kill myself when I first got here, I was placed in the mental health ward. I got into trusting God and letting Him help me with my problems. When I first came here I started talking to God because I wanted to know what was wrong with me or what I did that made me so wrong. He made me understand that I was not responsible for what others did to me. I am only responsible for what I do to myself. I go to Bible studies every Wednesday night and I also go to Kairos. That has helped me to understand treating others the way I want to be treated, not the way I have been treated. In Kairos I found out that I was loved by God, if nobody else. That's all that mattered. The sisters in Christ that I have write to me and come to see me, just to make sure that I am all right. I go to therapy at least twice a week. I go to a small open-process group once a week, and I also see the doctor at least once a month. I take my medicine all the time, to the best of my knowledge. The roommate that I have now helps me a lot too. Angie has helped me to say "no" when people take advantage of me, to learn how to talk my feelings out, and to act like an adult instead of a child.

I am looking forward to the day I get out because I have a two-year-old son out there to take care of. My son is a very handsome little boy. He is very happy, cheerful, and well-behaved. I don't want him to go through what I have been through. He is now in a foster home and I keep a close eye on him. I see him at visits and I talk to him on the phone. I told him that if anybody every did anything to him that he didn't like, to tell someone no matter how silly it sounds.

My roommate is not the ideal roommate. She is filthy, does not bathe, will not clean behind herself and has no respect for me when I am sleeping. My roommate rattles paper, makes her bed over my head when I am asleep. She sings all day and night when I am in the room. When I go to work she is too lazy to even lift her head off the pillow except at count time. My roommate's friends are always at the door talking to her when I am asleep, but they do not care, because they are not the one who has to suffer. And let us not talk about the fact that she does not know what a broom or a mop is used for.

I tried the philosophy "treat people as you want to be treated." I am always respectful to my roommate. If she is ill I help her out. I try saying nothing but positive things around her. I've taken her to the side alone when I have a problem with her friends at the door. I never embarrass her in the company of others. I put my earplugs in when she is loud and out of hand. I always carry a smile on my face, using the philosophy "smile and the world smiles with you, cry and you cry alone." I do whatever it takes to keep the peace. Instead of talking to the police I talk to her myself to try to work things out. I even clean the room by myself even though she lives in there also. I greet her in the morning with a cheery "hello" and at night with a polite "goodnight." I pray for her constantly, because she shows the same side to everything, but when she is alone you can see the pain she holds within.

I really believe that even though my roommate doesn't possess many qualities at this time, she will eventually get some self-esteem and realize you don't have to be a wild animal to obtain friendship. At the same time, I see some potential in her, that all she needs is some time and love. By the time we part company with one another, I hope she will be a respectable, reliable, clean young lady.

So what it comes down to is, when you are sharing a room with someone, regardless of what the situation may be, you stay strong and firm. Do not buckle down and demand full respect. Never let anyone in life, whether it is a roommate, an associate, or a friend, take advantage of yourkindness. I guess we have to keep praying for the weary souls that harbor nothing but anger and pain and thank God for the ones who have respect.

To me life is full of what-if's and but's. However, I have come to realize that if I want to answer all of those big questions that keep popping into my head that it's up to me. Instead of daydreaming of better days and filling my head with picture perfect examples, I realize that I need to search within myself for the answers I seek.

Every time I think about the things that I need to do the same thought always runs through my head: "don't talk about it, be about it!" Those are the wise words that have been told to me on numerous occasions by some of the different people I have encountered during my incarceration.

Now I have decided to send myself on a personal mission by doing little things that will soon lead to much bigger things such as pursuing my education. As of now I am in the process of getting my G.E.D. I will admit that I am not always motivated about coming to class. I sometimes waste time when I am there, but today I am sitting here in class, writing this essay as an example of one of those little things I am doing to move on to bigger and better things, like Graduation.

I know it's not going to be easy and I will have to put forth much more effort than I have in the past, but I know that I have a real crazy teacher who likes to be like a fly on the wall. I guess you could say he is a real pain, but in another aspect he is my motivation, because deep down I know he thinks a lot of me and believes that I can do this. I look forward to proving him right.

Another reason that it is so important for me to get my G.E.D. is that I am trying to better myself, because I want to make my family proud of me, most importantly my Dad. I want to finish this so that I can start a career in Cosmetology and feel confident when I go to give a customer his change back from paying for a haircut. I will know it is the right amount. The hair business runs in the family. My father owns his own shop and I used to work for him under an apprenticeship. It would mean a great deal to me to get a hairdresser's license, so that I could go home with an education and a career I am most interested in.

The point that I want to make is that I have a problem with working hard to get what I want and now I intend to solve it by doing just that.

Well, as my story goes, I had too many adult things in school -- cars, jobs, and paying my own bills. That came first. I made good grades and had a talent for math. I really think I could have done something with that, but my thought was why wait. " I have everything now that I will have when I finish school." So I did what I thought was the best thing and quit in the twelfth grade, a very stupid move.

Back then I thought that was the cool thing to do, but now I find myself trying to figure out what my next move will be. Should I go back to school or stay with my job that pays nothing? The decision was not that hard.

Now I find myself in GED classes trying to do something I should have done years ago, trying to do something with my life and to finish something I've started. I want to complete one goal in my life, getting my GED, so that my other goals can be completed.

Cars help us do things we never could before such as bring home a heavy refrigerator or a stove or a large amount of groceries. Without the automobile, people would have to live close to where they work. Families that live far apart wouldn't get to see each other very often and people would have to live very cloe to town.

There is one major problem with cars: car wrecks. We try and try to prevent them but we can't, so we make our cars safer. Nothing good ever comes out of car wrecks, where many lives are lost and people can be severely injured. The safer we make cars, the fewer lives will be lost.

The safety features on cars are always changing for the better. In the past ten years, we have seen the introduction of airbags for both drivers and passengers. Then they put side impact airbags and airbags for the rear-seat passengers in cars. Also, they have made cars morecrash absorbent so they absorb some of the impact. This has made cars safer which has resulted in fewer deaths.

In many ways, cars help us do everyday things that would be hard to do if we didn't have them. Cars also tell what kid of person we are. It can be argued that cars do more harm than good but, in my opinion, they are indispensable. We use them every day of our lives. Just try and not use your car for a week; it's impossible! We need to take advantage of all the latest safety improvements and drive responsibly!

In wars people solve problems, maybe not the right way but they get solved nevertheless. One of the ways is that, when the war is over, the countries involved sign a treaty. After they sign it, they try to stay out of war and get along.

There are plenty of negative things about war. One of the biggestthings is that innocent people are killed sometimes, and they don't deserve to die. The people who are doing wrong sometimes live when they deserve to die. Families lose members that are in the military and they have to suffer.

My solution to war is that everyone in the world destroys their weapons, missiles, and anything that is meant to hurt anyone else. If all the countries got rid of their weapons and tried to get along with the other countries, then we would hardly ever have a war. When this happens the world will be at peace and will be a better place for everyone to live.

I guess the best way I can put all of this together is to say that war can be a good thing or a bad thing but it all depends on what it is being fought over. I just say that I don't want to go to war, but If I do have to, then I will serve my country proudly!

Questions and comments to Susan Erno